Bailiff!

The following excerpts from the book Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History, by Charles M. Sevilla, have been floating around on the Internet for a while now. They are things that were actually said in court, as transcribed by court reporters. A friend just posted them on Facebook again, and even though I've read them before, I still find them highly amusing, so, for those who haven't seen them and those who have but can still appreciate:

Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Attorney: Now, Doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

 Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 18th.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.

Attorney: How old is your son, the one living with you?
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Attorney: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.

Attorney: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
Witness: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Attorney: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.

Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I just lie there.


Attorney: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Witness: Uh, he's twenty-one.

Attorney: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Witness: Would you repeat the question?

Attorney: So the date of conception (of your baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: And what were you doing at that time?
Witness: Uh...

Attorney: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Attorney: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Attorney: Were there any girls?

Attorney: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Attorney: And by whose death was it terminated?

Attorney: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Attorney: Was this a male or a female?

Attorney: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Attorney: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Witness: All of my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Attorney: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.

Attorney: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Witness: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Attorney: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
Witness: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

Attorney: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Witness: Huh?

... And my personal favorite:

Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
Witness: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.