So Very Wright

Jorge Rios

Some of the best jokes are the ones you have to think about for a second or two, and those are the kind that emerge from the mind of Steven Wright. In honor of this true genius comedian on the occasion of his 60th on December 6, I've compiled a few of his one-liners. Ones that are really his, because, as he recounted in a 2003 interview (http://www.avclub.com/article/steven-wright-13796), "... someone showed me a site, and half of it that said I wrote it, I didn't write. Recently, I saw one, and I didn't write any of it. What's disturbing is that with a few of these jokes, I wish I had thought of them. A giant amount of them, I'm embarrassed that people think I thought of them, because some are really bad." Not wanting to add to the confusion, I'm including only the gems I actually saw him deliver on stage, in videos. It was a tough research assignment, but these things I do because I care (and because I think we might all do with a little levity right about now):

"What's another word for 'thesaurus'?"

"I'm a peripheral visionary. I can see into the future, but just way off to the side.

"The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays 'Helter Skelter.' "

"Went up to a tourist information booth, I walked up and I said, 'Yeah, so uhh, tell me about some of the people who were here last year.' "

"I got up the other day and everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica."

"I'm living on a one-way dead-end street. I don't know how I ever got there."

"If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?"

"I bought some powdered water but I don't know what to add."

"Every morning I get up and I make instant coffee. I drink it so I'll have enough energy to make the regular coffee."

"Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories."

"Bought a cordless extension cord."

"Bought a decaffeinated coffee table. ... Can't even tell by looking at it."

"I bought some batteries. But they weren't included."

"It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."

"I've been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious."

"Sponges grow in the ocean. That kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."

"You know when you put a stick in the water and it looks like it's bent but it really isn't? That's why I don't take baths."

And, from his first national TV appearance, which was on the 'The Tonight Show" in 1982, "One time, right in the middle of a job interview, I took out a book and I started reading. The guy said, 'What the hell are you doing?' I said, 'Let me ask you one question. If you were in a vehicle and you were traveling at the speed of light and then you turned your lights on, would they do anything?' He said, 'I don't know.' I said, 'Well, forget it, then. I don't want to work for you.' "